“Cold weather has Gaston's Good Ol' Boy doubting global warming's validity”

Cold weather has Gaston's Good Ol' Boy doubting global warming's validity

Posted: 18 Dec 2010 12:09 PM PST

As I sit in my recliner, the command chair, here at High Grass Manor, and pen this column in front of gas logs I've cracked the throttle on wide open, I take note that if it weren't for Global Warming, we might've might all frozen to death by now.

Of course, my dear friend and fashion consultant Mr. Mark Hoover made a good point this past Monday night as we sat around shivering and visiting at the East Gaston Volunteer Fire Department where we're members. Mr. Mark Hoover said that they don't call it Global Warming anymore. They call it "Climate Change" now.

But the climate hasn't changed really. I mean just because we've had a cold winter followed by a hot summer and are apparently fixing to have another cold winter doesn't mean the climate has changed. That's just what the climate does. No, if the climate had changed we'd have just had a hot winter followed by a cold summer and would right now be enjoying a record breaking hot spell instead of this record breaking cold snap we've just had.

All I know is I'm just glad I don't live in that pneumonia hole where my wife Laurie comes from - Meadville, Penn. If you're not familiar with Meadville, Penn., that stands good for you. If you are that most likely means you're either from up there, "up home" they call it, and have had the good sense to move south like all the other smart ones. Or you've been forced to go up there because you've married one of the escapees. That or perhaps you saw the picture they ran in the newspaper a couple weeks back that showed one of the morons who still live there standing at the end of two great big long piles of snow he had apparently caused trying to tunnel out.

The first time I experienced Meadville was back in December of '89. Laurie and I were engaged so I was honor bound to fly up there to meet the family. Of course the closest I could fly to this God forsaken tundra was Pittsburgh since the FAA won't allow USAirways to put snow skies on its DC-9s.

Of course Pittsburgh won't stand in for the Tropics either. There was 6 feet of snow on the ground when I arrived. Yukon Cornelius met me in the baggage claim area and took me north by dogsled to Meadville, which is located in upper northwest Pennsylvania, just south of Lake Erie and the North Pole. It is a place where they experience a weather phenomenon Laurie's Eskimo kin call "the lake effect" which dumps snow on their fair city like a giant version of those snow machines they have that spray snow on the ski slopes at Ober Gatlinburg. Ten feet of snow greeted me upon my arrival there and great big ice sickles as big around as my leg ran from the tops of two story houses all the way to the ground. Not that you see them since the houses were hidden from view by giant endless mountains of snow that had been piled almost to tops of the telephone poles by snow plows that were trying find the roads. About the best way I can describe Meadville, Penn., would be to say that upside it, Frosty's Winter Wonderland would look like Miami Beach.

Last I heard this year so far they've had or have some 75 inches of snow- People, that's over 6 feet of snow already - and it ain't even winter yet. Winter doesn't officially start until this week.

So when it comes to Global Warming, I ain't seen it and I dang sure ain't felt it. And if you want me to believe the climate has changed, you show me where Meadville has melted and Hell has frozen over.

Then I'll take to worryin'.

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